i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
