Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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