when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize