There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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