He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We're too hungover to prance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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