just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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