he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
