U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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