drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
