i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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