genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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