I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
