for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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