woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize