I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just had sex on a roof
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
