I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize