oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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