We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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