I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
