I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
