You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
