Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
