I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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