So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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