Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
