Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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