is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
