when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
