I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
