I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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