good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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