I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize