all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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