I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
