Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
