we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
