question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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