I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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