I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
