this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
