If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize