the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
