....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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