3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
