you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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