Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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