Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
