who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
