the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
