I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
