So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
