Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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