Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
