she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize