You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
