Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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