idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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