Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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