drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Congratulations! We have a period
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
