Don't make out with my wife yet
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
