my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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